Humour Page - 16

Sister Mary Katherine
Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's liquor store.
One day, in walked Sister Mary K and said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy."
"Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"
"Oh Jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know."
So Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night, Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine? And she was snookered.
She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk.
A crowd was gathering. Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! And you told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"
Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied, "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's gonna shit!"

There's a man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy costume company to explain the problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note.
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate".
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week
passes and he receives another parcel and a note, which says
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part". 
Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint.
The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which says
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses.
Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Three guys were out drinking one night, when one of them finally passes out.
The other two laugh, and one even peels the label off his beer bottle and sticks it on the guy's forehead.
An hour or so later, he awakens, looks at his watch, and realizes that he has to drive home. He hadn't even gone a mile, when he sees red lights flashing in his rear view mirror, and he's forced to pull over.
The officer walks up, looks in, and shakes his head. "Sir... have you been drinking?" The guy lies, saying, "Well, I had one or two."
Disgusted, the cop says "Why, sir, do you have a Budweiser label on your face?"
The guy looks at himself in the mirror and sees the label. Thinking fast, he looks at the cop and says, "Oh this? Well, you see, I am trying to quit drinking, and my doctor gave me this patch!"

A LITTLE JOHNNY STORY

Little Johnny comes home from school one day looking puzzled so his father asks what's bothering him. 
"Well Dad, the teacher was talking about theory and reality today at school and I just don't understand it, can you help me?"  Little Johnny's father thinks for a moment and says
"Sure Son, let's go inside and I'll show you." 
They find Little Johnny's mother in the kitchen so the father asks her
"Dear, if you were to receive $2,000,000 for sleeping with Robert Redford and no one would ever find out, would you do it?"  "Oh, no!" She replied.   "I could never do that!" 
"Now think about it dear," says the father, "$2,000,000 for sleeping with Robert Redford and you are guaranteed that no one would ever know about it." 
After a pause she replied, "Well, if no one would ever find out, yes I guess I would probably do it." 
"Thanks for being so honest dear, we'll see you later."  With that Little Johnny and his father left the room.

"That was part one of the experiment Son, now let's go see your sister."
 They find the sister in her room and the father asks her "Sweetie, if you were promised $2,000,000 to sleep with Mel Gibson and nobody would find out, would you do it?" 
"No Daddy, of course not, I could never do that!", she replied. 
"Now, honey just think for a second...$2,000,000 to sleep with Mel Gibson and you are absolutely guaranteed that no one will ever know abut it." 
She paused and then replied,  "Well...if no one would ever know, I guess I would be okay with it."
"Thanks for your honesty sweetie, we'll see you later."

After leaving her room Little Johnny looks up to his father and says "Dad I still don't get it!  What did that have to do with theory and reality?"

"It's simple Son, you see in theory we're sitting on $4,000,000.  The reality is we're living with a couple of whores!"

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.   Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. 
When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says, "How bad is it doc?  I'm getting  married next week, and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight.  It should be okay by next week."  
So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.  The guy mentions none of this to his girl.   They get married, and on the honeymoon night in their hotel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts.  This was the first time he saw them, believe it or not. 
She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts yet."
He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE !"

Jack and New Age Medicine
Jack went to a urologist and told the doctor that he was having a problem. 
"Well, doctor.  I am having trouble gaining and keeping an erection, but I never had any trouble before I got very sick a while ago."
After a complete exam the doctor determined that the muscles around the base of his manhood were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was little or nothing he could do for him.
However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might be applicable, if Jack were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk to replace the damaged tissue.
Jack thought about it for a while. He was a young man, and the thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear.  So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, Jack decided to go for it.
A few weeks after the operation, Jack was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his young wife and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure, Jack unzipped his fly and immediately his equipment sprung from his pants, rose to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, then returned to his pants.
His wife was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said, "Jack, that was incredible. Can you do that again?"
Jack, with his eyes watering, replied, "I think I can, but I'm not sure I can fit another roll up my ass."

NOAH'S ARK...IF IT HAPPENED TODAY
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark." And ina flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark.
"Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
"Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time."
Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall.
The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.
"Noah," shouted the Lord, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to re-draw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. "Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. "Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I need the wood to save the Owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls. "The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.
"Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. "Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. "Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. "Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the
country. And I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years,"
Noah wailed. The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully.
"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has."

Golf Balls
A young man, who worked at a driving range, picked up a couple of dozen old balls one day and took them home with him, stuffing them into his pants pockets.
On the bus on his way home, an elderly old lady sat down next to him, so he had to scrunch them up to make room for her. He noticed after a while the lady was glancing sideways toward his pockets. A bit embarrassed, he said to the lady, "It's all right ma'am, they're just golf balls."
She nodded and smiled sympathetically and a few moments later said, "Tell me - is that something like tennis elbow?"

That Special Moment
A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him "Daddy, what's sex?" So, her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees.
He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs etc... He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections,
wet-dreams... He thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the whole works, thinking that to tell it all is the only way to tell
the truth.
The girl is somewhat awe struck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge, and her father finally asks, "So what made you wish to know about sex?"
"Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

Understatement
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to a Texan on an overseas flight.  After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the Texan remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted.  "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."

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