Humour Page - 17
Signs That You Are Getting Old
1. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
2. Your back goes out more than you do.
3. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
4. You buy a compass for the dash of your car/truck.
5. You are proud of your lawn mower.
6. Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.
7. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
8. You sing along with the elevator music.
9. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
13. You answer a question with, "Because I said so."
14. You send money to PBS.
15. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
16. You take a metal detector to the beach.
17. You know what the word "equity" means.
18. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
19. Your ears are hairier than your head.
20. You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
21. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
22. You got cable for The Weather Channel.
23. You can go bowling without drinking.
24. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
25. People send you this list.
LAWS FOR WOMEN TO LIVE BY
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all
up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature
anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you
can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to
make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself
types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old
for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in
biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him chequebooks.
14. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means
that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
A Little history lesson for you on the history of...
_
/'_/)
,/_
/
/
/
/'_'/'
'/'__'7,
/'/
/ / /" /_\
('(
' ' _~/' ')
\
'
/
'\'
\ _.7'
\
(
\
\
GIVING THE FINGER
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English,
proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers.
Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and
therefore be incapable of fighting in the future.
This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the
longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").
Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking
the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we
can still "pluck yew"!
Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the
beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental
fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are
mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.
It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the
symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird".
And yew thought yew knew everything... Well now you do!
HER AND I
The sky was blue, the moon was high
We were all alone, just her and I
Her hair was brown, her eyes were blue
I knew just what she wanted to do
So with my courage I did my best
I placed my hand upon her breast
Her face was good, her body was fine
I ran my fingers down her spine
I trembled with shock, I felt her heart
Slowly she spread her legs apart
I knew she was ready but I didn't know how
It was my first time milking a cow!
Men are like ... newborn babies
They're cute at first, but you get tired
of picking up their crap.
Men are like ... coffee
The best ones are rich, hot and
can keep you up all night.
Men are like ... computers.
Hard to figure out and never
enough memory.
Men are like ... coolers.
Load them with beer and you
can take them anywhere.
Men are like ... chocolate bars.
Sweet, smooth and they usually
head right for your hips.
Men are like ... power tools
They make a lot of noise, but it's
hard to get them to work.
Men are like ... remote controls
Simple. Easy to use. And usually
lying around a TV.
Men are like ... shag carpets.
Soft, fuzzy and extremely
easy to walk on.
Men are like ... vacuum cleaners
They're not much fun, but at least
you get to push them around.
Men are like ... road kill
They usually just lie around
until they start to smell.
Men are like ... soap operas
They're fun to watch, but don't
believe everything you hear.
Men are like ... pillows
Eventually, even the best
ones get soft and lumpy.
Men are like ... old car tires
Balding, full of hot air, and
it never hurts to have a spare.
Men are like ... plastic wrap
Cheap. Clingy. and very
easy to see through.
Men are like ... department stores
Their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like ... horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do
and are usually wrong.
Men are like ... cement.
After getting laid, they take a
long time to get hard.
Men are like ... plungers.
They spend most of their lives
in a hardware store or the bathroom.
Idiots--They're Everywhere!
IDIOTS AT WORK
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had
never signed my name on the back of the credit card.
She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed.
When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the
credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card
in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt.
As luck would have it, they matched.
IDIOTS & GEOGRAPHY
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my
boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?"
Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of
Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"
ADVICE FOR IDIOTS
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for
Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township
administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The
reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
IDIOTS & COMPUTERS
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank.
Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he
got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got
smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be
the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and
clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of
time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind
the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had
iceberg.
AN IDIOT'S IDIOT
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his
head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's
lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they
thought the suspect wasn't telling a lie. Believing the "lie detector" was
working, the suspect confessed
MEN & WOMEN COMPARED
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura,
Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
But if Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out for a night, they will affectionately refer to
each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even
though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will
actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor ,a bar
of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the
phone, read a book, get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings, funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments
and romances, best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Thought for the Day:
Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.